..:To have and to hold:..

I'll be your liquor bathing your soul
Juice that's pure
And I'll be your anchor you'll never leave
Shores that cure
So I'll be your liquor demons will drown
And float away...

I know I wasn't supposed to write again...but I miss that...even though I don't treat it as a comfort anymore, I realised I still need a place to express my emotions...even though they're only positive. So I will continue my embarrassingly irregular posts so that you, my friends, could know what's going on.

The third of November...such a breakthrough...I finally got what I suppose every girl dreams of...my prince charming! And on this special day he proposed...just simply popped the question :D And as you already know, I said yes! I am going to get married to the most caring, gentle, sensitive, honest, passionate man I've ever met. He offered me everything I've ever dreamt of...just like that. What could I say? He had me at hello :D
And now the countdown to our wedding begins! I hope everything will go according to plan. Charlie and I...we are going to have a perfect life together, you'll see.
Btw, hello to all of you who have been yearning for this post :P

..: In the arms of the angel :..

He offers me protection, a lot of love and affection...
When I come to call he won't forsake me...
As the feeling grows he breathes flesh to my bones...
And I know I'll always be blessed with love...
I'm loving angel instead...

The main reason why I haven't been writing for so long is the fact that the past month proved me the lack of purpose for this blog to exist. See, when I started writing it...its main purpose was to be my haven of solitude, where I could express my deepest emotions in a way which suits me the most. I loved basking in my unhappiness, feeling guilty of the things I've done. It was easier...seemed right to feel sorry for myself. But not anymore. I've come to the point of life where you are given the second chance...the one I refused to believe in. And there it came...when least expected. I was given a gift from life. The one I won't ever take for granted. I am not exaggerating when I say that I found someone really special. Someone who made me believe in love again. He's my angel and I am really lucky to have met him. No one has made me feel the way he does...his love for me is so overwhelming that sometimes I think I live on it. Just one look into his eyes and I'm lost...literally. And he gave me his heart to take care of. What was I supposed to do? Turn around and run, as I always did? No, I gave him mine instead..consider it the best exchange in my life...

So from now on there won't be any whining and brooding. I quit. Now I'm a different person...a happy one. And happiness means everything to me. The one I get from my angel :*

The shape of things to come...

I had a dream I stood beneath an orange sky,
It's a long road I've been walking on,
Here is what I know:
I'm so weary and my heart's been broken,
My mind's too strong to carry on.
In your love my salvation lies...

I haven't written for that long on purpose. I mean, I wanted to do it couple of times but somehow the time wasn't right. The madness at college and writing of this damn research paper infuriated me so greatly that I couldn't even focus on expressing my thoughts! However, the situation is more or less under control, with me finishing the research paper and passing almost all exams. But then there's my dissertation waiting, of course if I want to graduate in June...

and I do:( so it means I will have to work my arse...I'll do my best.

At home the situation is normal (read all fucked up) which starts to ingrain in my perception of 'a normal family'. I just hope that when the time is right, I'll be able to enforce my rights and needs. That's all I want. It's not even that I expect any apologies...in the end it's not that important.

As the new year brought rather unexpeced surprise, and I really hate surprises, I can't really complain about this one:) Although it's nothing certain yet, I am happy...for the first time since 2 years...wow when I come to think of it, it sounds rather lame, but these are the undeniable facts and I just have to live with them, right? But this time...having learnt my lesson, I'm planning to be happy :D and not fuck anything up.

K. I hope that when we'll see each other, everything will turn out just fine:)

Big :* 4 u

..:Come cover me like silver tears again:..

You were blessed by a different kind of inner view....
And as I open the blinds in my mind I'm believing...
Cos on you my tattoo will be bleeding and the name will stain...

It's been a while since my last post...I feel like this was a huge void...like nothing happened during that time. And in a sense it was, both emotional and artistic, however I'm over it now, ready to write again.

Today was a good day...it's not a coincidence I chose this day to write. Many things changed, some new things were revealed and others just came into the picture totally out of the blue. I understood something important: that I should always trust my instincts. It's the one reliable thing I can count on basically. Ideal, gallant man does not exist, men always lie in order to accomplish their goals (mostly to take advantage of you, or so I've experienced), and - what's I guess the most disgusting- they lie to people they consider friends.

I'm glad things with Maddy are back to normal, though. I missed her a lot.

Another very positive thing to mention is Saper :D Yeah, strange as it may seem, one freshman in my college turned out to be extremely nice, funny and actually knows that MUM is not a name of new clothing design :) Brett, I guess thanks are in order:* And S (from now on I'll be referring to you as S) thanks for the talk...you're a great guy, let's hope you won't fit into the description above :)

Anyway...I'm as happy as can be at the moment. I mean I've mastered being numb to perfection and I think it starts to pay off...good...just as expected.

Besides, I can always admire Wentworth, right?:D I think that the story with Michael is repeating itself...Maddy, you chose the bad time to make up :P When we see each other at the weekend...you'll wish you've never called me in the first place :D

Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering.

BIG :* TO ALL MY FRIENDS

I love you but I've chosen darkness...

All of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping inwards
You got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here...

It's been a year since I started writing this blog..so I guess this is kinda anniversary post. When I try to sum this year up, I somehow fail to do it. It's not so easy, you know...with everything that's been going on, my life, the people I'm close to...it's changing all the time. I can only retain some images, situations in my memory, but it won't change the fact that they'll pass. And I'm glad...because not all of them, in fact the majority of them aren't worth memorising at all, they only remind me that there's too much crap going on around me regardless of what I think or do. But that's not that important. What worries me is the fact that I can't make myself happy! I've been trying...this whole year to do whatever my innerself whispered me into doing, I thought I've accomplished everything I could during this year: I went to Ireland, I won the scholarship, I got under my dream supervisor's wing, I found the strength to end the most toxic relationship you could ever imagine...but still I can't shake off the guilt.
Guilt..the most intimidating word ever...trust me on this one...it's like a disease that spreads into your blood circulation and never seems to leave the system. My friend once said to me that I should move on and that I deserve to love and be loved again...she practically dared me to love. And I tried...at least I thought I did, but then this demon creeps upon me again and I'm back in square one. I've come to the conclusion that I can look, touch...but I'm not allowed to feel. I wish I could do it again..there's so much I have to give...I hope I've paid for everything I've done, but it never seems to be enough now, does it? I got close to this someone...someone special...but he doesn't deserve me, no one does. After all, choosing me means getting hurt. So this time I decided to make that choice, at least no one will suffer again. It's just...I can't help but think I'm missing out again...

And he called me the good ferry...how heavy is that?

...I've got you under my skin...

I feel you...in every vein,

In every beating of my heart, each breath I take...

You take me where the kingdom comes,

You lead me to oblivion...

I have spent the last couple of days trying to forget him, trying to shake him from my skin, trying to erase his scent from my nostrils...but I just keep thinking about him, feeling him all over my body and smelling him each time I inhale... how's that possible? How come? I can't get rid of this burning sensation just at the mere thought of him. It's driving me insane, like I was being controlled by some divine force and nothing else matters. I know, I really do that everything's over now...we could never go back to these moments when he awakened something in me...something I never thought existed. No other man has ever made me feel like this before. But now, everything about him is like a black shade of a rose painted on the brightness of my heart. If I go too deep into it, I'll feel the sharp pain of its thorn, tearing me apart. When things have come undone, there is nothing more I can do but to keep these precious memories in my mind to haunt me. They say it's never over til' it's over...I guess this is WAY over..I just have to deal with it...and so does he. Until we find someone real...someone who'll fill our world with everything we need to start living...someone who's more than a memory...

Summer moved on...

Just

Wake me up

When September ends...

The summer ends...again and I get this familiar feeling of uneasiness, as if I was protected during this season. I have switch to working mode...again and start trying to wake up at 5 am like I normally do during the academic year. But it's more than that. I've noticed that all my attitude has changed. I guess I won't be feeling that relaxed or happy in a long time. Plus, I've been to Ireland this summer and it really made my holiday. And now I feel like I'm left with nothing.

Of course I can't forget about my dissertation...which awaits me in June. This is going to be a helluva challenge :D No, seriously I've no idea how to write it, really. I hope in time that will change...otherwise I won't be able to carry out my plans.

Uhh...although I love autumn, I really love this melancholic aura but I hate when summer ends. Now it's September, which means I have to do 45 hours of teaching practice :( I can't say I'm looking forward to it...if I could just go to sleep and wake up in October, that'll be great...