I love you but I've chosen darkness...

All of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping inwards
You got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here...

It's been a year since I started writing this blog..so I guess this is kinda anniversary post. When I try to sum this year up, I somehow fail to do it. It's not so easy, you know...with everything that's been going on, my life, the people I'm close to...it's changing all the time. I can only retain some images, situations in my memory, but it won't change the fact that they'll pass. And I'm glad...because not all of them, in fact the majority of them aren't worth memorising at all, they only remind me that there's too much crap going on around me regardless of what I think or do. But that's not that important. What worries me is the fact that I can't make myself happy! I've been trying...this whole year to do whatever my innerself whispered me into doing, I thought I've accomplished everything I could during this year: I went to Ireland, I won the scholarship, I got under my dream supervisor's wing, I found the strength to end the most toxic relationship you could ever imagine...but still I can't shake off the guilt.
Guilt..the most intimidating word ever...trust me on this one...it's like a disease that spreads into your blood circulation and never seems to leave the system. My friend once said to me that I should move on and that I deserve to love and be loved again...she practically dared me to love. And I tried...at least I thought I did, but then this demon creeps upon me again and I'm back in square one. I've come to the conclusion that I can look, touch...but I'm not allowed to feel. I wish I could do it again..there's so much I have to give...I hope I've paid for everything I've done, but it never seems to be enough now, does it? I got close to this someone...someone special...but he doesn't deserve me, no one does. After all, choosing me means getting hurt. So this time I decided to make that choice, at least no one will suffer again. It's just...I can't help but think I'm missing out again...

And he called me the good ferry...how heavy is that?